Friday, January 6, 2017

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 6


On this day in 1492, Ferdinand and Isabella, the Catholic Monarchs enter Granada, completing the Reconquista of Spain from the Moors (Muslims).

***

On this day in 1540, King Henry VIII of England marries Anne of Cleves. A particularly annoying Rick Wakeman tune ensues.

***

On this day in 1721, the Committee of Inquiry on the South Sea Bubble publishes its findings.

***

On this day in 1912, German geophysicist Alfred Wegener first presents his theory of continental drift. Betcha didn't know that theory was so young, didja?

***

On this day in 1929, Mother Teresa arrives in Calcutta, India, where she begins her long crusade of NOT bringing nourishing food, healing medicine, or any kind of real, actual, measurable relief to India's poorest and sickest people. In other words, this sacred cow did less than nothing.

***

On this day in 1931, Thomas Edison submits his final patent application. I think it was an auto-fellatio machine or something. In any case, it didn't catch on.

***

On this day in the year 1941, the 20th century's greatest president – Franklin Delano Roosevelt - said the following:

"In the future days which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression - everywhere in the world. The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way everywhere in the world. The third is freedom from want, which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings that will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants - everywhere in the world. The fourth is freedom from fear, which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor - anywhere in the world. That is no vision of a distant millennium. It is a definite basis for a kind of world attainable in our own time and generation. That kind of world is the very antithesis of the so-called New Order of tyranny that the dictators seek to create with the crash of a bomb." 

We've come a long way, baby.

***

On this day in 1995, a chemical fire in an apartment complex in Manila, Philippines, leads to the discovery of plans for Project Bojinka, a mass-terrorist attack.

***

On this day in 2009, in response to continual bombardment of civilian population centers by Palestinian militants, Israel conducts an assault on Gaza. Operation Cast Lead. And they all lived happily ever after.

***
On this day in 1994, one of the most ridiculous scandals in modern history is sparked when a crowbar-wielding attacker strikes figure skater Nancy Kerrigan on the knee as she exits the ice after a day's practice. Unfortunately, the aftermath of the attack was caught on video, and images of Kerrigan sitting on the floor, hugging her wounded leg, howling "Why meee?! Why anyone?!?" virtually guaranteed that the media would milk this story dry. And when it turned out that the attacker was linked to Tonya Harding - Kerrigan's main rival for Olympic gold - all bets were off. It was just too perfect... Nancy the Ice Wasp versus White Trash Tonya.

In the post-September 11th world, it's easy to forget that there was a year-long period when you literally couldn't escape the Kerrigan/Harding saga. Unless you were lucky enough to be in a coma at the time, all those stupid details are permanently seared into your brain. Remember Harding's sleaze-ball hubby, Jeff Gillooly? His tub-o-lard henchman, Shawn Echkardt? The vaudevillian amateur thugs, Derrick Smith and Shane Stant, who were paid six grand to "eliminate" Kerrigan from the Olympic picture? Their nearly instantaneous surrenders and confessions? Tonya's changing stories about her knowledge of and involvement with the plot? The Lillehammer Showdown? Harding's Achilles skate-lace-snap and the ensuing drama? Kerrigan's silver medal? Harding's 8th place humiliation? Of course you do.

And who can forget Gillooly's Revenge? After Harding dropped him like a handful of fish guts, he sold their XXX-rated honeymoon videos to Penthouse, singlehandedly kick-starting America's now-insatiable appetite to watch famous people - who, unlike porn stars, were not famous for fucking - fuck.

For her part, after hosting the fifth worst episode ever of Saturday Night Live, Nancy Kerrigan faded into obscurity. For Harding, leaving the limelight would not prove so easy. In 2000, she went on a drunken rampage, beating up her new boyfriend with a hubcap. She was also charged with DUI.

In 2002, Harding redeemed herself somewhat by pummelling the shit out of that lying cunt Paula Jones on Fox TV's Celebrity Boxing.

No comments:

Post a Comment